a painful love

i have been affected much by something i have no control of. as much as i wanted things to turn out the way i have pictured it, i guess it's not the right time. when is?

i've always seen myself as a strong person. even in times of difficulties or any problems that i've encountered, you wouldn't see me differently. maybe a bit serious at times but still you wouldn't know that i have a problem. everyone's used to my smiling face and my cheerful moods. i guess i'm good in hiding. good in hiding how i truly feel.

right now all i can think about is the person i've hurt. i never wanted to hurt this person in my entire life but i did, big time. i thought everything would be okay. i thought knowing this person more would make our lives livelier. how could life be this complicated? all i want is to make this person happy. i want to take away all the pain he experienced in his life, make him feel loved, take care of him and all his loved ones and just be there for him. i want to be with him. go to places with him. show him off to the world and let everyone know that he's mine and i'm his...making sure that every moment that we have will be cherished. but all these things has fallen into pieces and i couldn't do anything. i don't want to hide anything from anybody and the result is i have to give him up even if my heart says no.

all my life, i don't fall in love quite easily but when i do, it seems like i have to hurt. It's painful to love but i don't regret ever falling. i hope and pray that one day, everything will change. i hope everything will fit into the right places and everyone can be happy. and if there would be changes in the future, i hope it's for the better. i really hope that we won't lose the friendship even if it comes at a later date. i just hope that one day, he can forgive me.